Life goes on

After being diagnosed with panic attacks and depression I felt relieved, at least I finally knew what was going on with me. It didn't really make anything easier but at least I had a name for the things that were happening to me. Symptoms continued and grew in diversity. Before, I used to feel short of air and sweaty and hot but until this day I've experienced tingling in my hands, feeling of terror, fear of imminent death, chest and arms pains (specially the left arm), tightness around the neck and shoulders, numbness in my face, the jaw in particular. The symptoms are so many and all are so scary, but the one that is common to all of the panic attacks I've experienced is the fear of death. Every time I get an attack I feel like I my heart is going to stop or like I am going to stop breathing.

The attacks are annoying and inconvenient themselves but what makes them worse is that they happen everywhere and anywhere: at work, at a party, in the morning, at night when I am asleep or trying to sleep. They happen on dates, job interviews and even when visiting the doctor at a hospital. I've also experienced attacks in the middle of traffic, while driving and even at home, where I feel safe. It happen when you are with friends or family but you still feel so unsafe and nervous, and scared.

For me, the biggest dilemma has been deciding whom I should tell about my condition. For obvious reasons I cannot tell every single person I know about it, some people just don't understand it, others judge me for it, like I'm guilty of it. At first, it really affected me on the work front; there were days where I couldn't go to work or had to leave early. Thankfully I am now able to handle the symptoms in a way that even if I had an attack at work, in front of the computer and with my boss talking to me, I could still stay there, under control, looking calmed, relaxed and focused. I have never told any of my bosses and only one or two people at my previous job knew about it. Where I work right now, nobody knows about it. When it comes to relationships it's a challenge, I always wondered if I should be honest from the beginning so the guy knew what he was getting into or if I should wait until things got serious. I've done it both ways but I highly recommend waiting. It never really backfired on me, being honest from the beginning but one guy was cruel enough to use it against me. I once had a boyfriend who was cheating on me and triggered all my insecurities. I knew he had somebody else but he was a good liar and I couldn't prove anything until one day, when I found someone else underwear at his place. We had a big fight and he blamed it all on my condition. He even told me to "go get checked" as in, "go to a shrink, you are crazy".

Right now I am in a committed relationship and I'm finally with someone who brings peace into my life. It wasn't easy and he even considered not getting involved because of my condition. I still have to deal with the attacks and the fact that they affect my social life, but it's harder when you involve an innocent boyfriend. He is awesome, he understands and he is patient. Sometimes I can't go out because I am too tired or shaky and anxious and he stays with me, even if he'd rather be having fun somewhere else. I am lucky I've found this guy, I just hope my condition never turns into something that's too much for him to handle.