It's my dirty little secret, one that has caused me pain (both physical and emotional), embarrassment and even humiliations. This blog is all about letting it out, venting, just putting down in words what sometimes is so hard to describe. I was diagnosed around three or four years ago and it was scarier than the first panic attack I had. It all started very slowly, the symptoms were so subtle that I just couldn't imagine I was experiencing a mental disorder. First, I started experiencing hot flashes, in the middle of the day, inside my office where the AC was on. When that happened I took my jacket off and went outside to catch a breath. Oddly, I also felt that I was suffocating, short of air, but I couldn't relate one thing to the other because it didn't always happen at the same time.
I'd be desperate when that happened, I felt like I had to leave the office, the building, but I couldn't do that. I had to stay and work, pretend I was OK because, really, how would I explain what I was feeling without sounding like I had lost my mind? So many times I wanted to quit, but I couldn't afford it and my family wouldn't understand me. There was a moment where I thought that maybe I was just too stressed. My job and boss were the worst part of my day and after that I had to go to university where I was finishing my degree in Law while writing a thesis so that I could graduate. I had a lot on my plate so one day I called in sick and went for an interview at a call center. It wasn't the best I could get but it really was the fastest way out of the nightmare I had for a job.
I finally quit and started my new job as a customer service representative. It was a downgrade compared to my previous job, which was more elegant and sophisticated but I couldn't care less. I saw it as a solution to my stress problems...but I was wrong, things were about to get worse. Working at a call center requires a lot of patience, you are dealing with all kinds of people who sometimes yell at you. I was patient and kind enough to my callers but the job didn't help my condition. I started experiencing mild panic attacks at my new job; desperate and anxious were my new regular states of mind. I would get scared out of the blue, scared in a weird way, scared of nothing in particular. Sometimes I had diarrhea so I had to rush to the ladies room. It was just weird and a complete mystery to me, I thought the source of my stress was the old job! I even enjoyed providing customer service, I had new friends and a wonderful schedule!
One day, I went shopping for fabrics with my mother. When she was driving back to the house I started hyperventilating, gasping for air, I was suffocating. So far, it was the scariest moment of my life, I thought I was going to die, I was scared, panicky and crying my heart out. My mother was so scared she almost crashed the car. She was driving really fast, trying to reach the nearest ER when it all went away. I could breath again and started to calm down but still I was not feeling well. I told her, ordered her to take me home. She was scared and unsure and asked me many times if I didn't want to go to a hospital instead, but I insisted: "I just want to go home". And so we did. My mother made a phone call as soon as we got to the house, she called her friend "Anne" who apparently had shown the same symptoms I did and was diagnosed with GAD or Panic Attacks. She showed to my house with her medication and talked to me about her experience. I was still shaky, sitting on a chair, scared because I thought I was going to die in my sleep that night. She convinced me of taking two pills and going to bed and referred me to her doctor. The very next day I was diagnosed with depression and panic attacks.
To be continued...
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